Oppugn.us

Dear Gartner,

I didn't know you hired racists. I mean, maybe racist is a bit of a stretch, but there's no other word for "asshole who arbitrarily stereotypes potential customers" so let's just call Andrea Di Maio the racist piece of shit he is. I say this, because in addition to pretty fucking racist comments about programmers, I'm pretty sure he's full of all sorts of other stereo types that are just lovely. He probably thinks Blacks are stupid, Latinos have big families, Women should shut up and poop out kids, and Jews are cheap and killed Jesus.

Because, let me tell you, where there's smoke there's fire Gartner, and any man who'd just come out and say anything about who I am because of my profession has got to harbor all sorts of evil bullshit mythological beliefs in his tiny little pathetic mind.

But what do I know, all of the above is just guessing, and Andrea may be a pretty upstanding guy. Hell, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't give me and just say I take back all the things I just said about him being a Nazi racist fuck. He's probably alright, even if he is a little fucking ugly.

I mean, look at the dude. It's like he stepped out of all 16 Revenge of the Nerds movies as some gigantic super nerd. Those glasses. That feminine first name. That hairdo! Wow, talk about a total fucking neeerrrrdddd. And he used to be a programmer too? How did he ever recover and get into politics as a lower level functionary in some giant cog of some tiny part of the massive US government. That's real power there, being a former programmer turned manager at the records processing department of some fucking DMV in some random state.

Next stop, Congress!

But, he's got to be an anomaly. I mean, he obviously is great with people now, and should be running for Congress, since you know, he bought the suit and shit. I however doubt that any other programmers could possibly do this magic trick he did of changing their careers. I think, the only way Andrea pulled it off is he was probably a shitty programmer to begin with, then a shitty manager, and then will eventually become a shitty politician like all the others.

My problem though Gartner is this is bad for your business. I already thought most of what you said was total utter bullshit, but now I think it's total utter Nazi bullshit. You see Gartner, and I say this out of love, you need to fire this asshole publicly before a guy like me tells everyone what a load of horseshit your organization is. All it takes is one analyst like this voicing his opinion and suddenly nobody wants to buy your overpriced papers that they could just find on the internet anyway.

I know Gartner, you really like the guy. He's been there for, what, 12 years? That's a long time, and maybe he didn't come out as crazy racist like this until just now. You know people change. I mean he obviously changed from a programmer to an awesome prognosticator and orator, so maybe along the way he just went bad and stupid too. That'd make sense if he wants to be a politician, and probably a wise career move.

But Gartner, I think that means it's time to cut him loose. Maybe he wants to leave anyway. I mean normally an Italian would be eating pasta and talking with his hands a lot, but I bet he wants to go back home and live with Mom or something. Or maybe he wants to go work for the Mob like other Italians. Who knows. Either way, you look bad with guys like me, who now want to make sure that nobody buys a fucking thing from you.

Ever. I'm going to make sure that, while you're working to insult my profession, my livelihood, my intelligence, my compassion, and my many other facets of my personality, I'm going to be working to make sure you go the way of PDP-11 and the VAX.

Oh wait, you probably don't know what those are. They're old computers Gartner. You'll go the way of old computers. Capice!?

-- Zed

P.S. My apologies to Italians, Blacks, Latinos, Jews, or anyone else who might have been offended, except Andrea. Fuck you.