By Zed A. Shaw

Before I begin my rant about people who code like assholes, I would just like to say, that if you are learning to code from Giles, and you're actually paying him, then you're wasting your money. If you want to be a better programmer then feel free to email me for free and I'll give you advice. You can also go grab Learn Python The Hard Way for free and learn Python if you are a total beginner. Ruby is on its way out, and Python is on the up. Python is also better if you're a beginner, and I actually care enough to help you out, for free.

Life's too short to learn from people like Giles, and I want to create the next generation of compasionate coders, not asshole coders like him.

Now, let's begin!

Works Is Not Good Enough

I have this theory, that the reason you should get to know the person behind the code is because their personality shines through their code. I find that good people tend to write good, compasionate code, and assholes write total asshole code. Their code beats you over the head with their nerd-cock. Everything is clever. There's no consistent style, or if there is it's the style of someone who doesn't care if you can read it. It's all about them, not you, and that makes them an asshole.

In this rant I will attempt to demonstrate that Giles is an asshole because his code is the code a total shitwad fucking asshole would write.

Here's how this works. You see, a guy like Giles wants everyone to think his code is awesome. Although I can't really think of too many companies basing their entire operations on anything he's written (and if so, I pray for them), he wants his shit to be awesome. The great thing about programming is pretty much everyone's code is shit. Writing software is hard, so it's no problem finding dogs in someone's stuff.

But for Giles, criticizing his code violates his need to "market" (i.e. lie and hustle rather than work) himself. Saying you disagree with how he did something is a bruise to his fragile moronic little ego and requires a huge blog post about all the people who think his code sucks.

The great thing is, I knew he'd do some bullshit like this, so I made sure to point out how I gamed the shit out of reddit so when dumbfuck Giles went looking for comments to put in the blog post he was going to write, it would be nice and obvious he got gamed. You see, if you work hard enough online you'll get people who hate you. They write their little stupid comments and then a dickwad like Giles comes along and tries to use them as if they are some grand exposition on why you're an asshole.

Here's a clue for everyone out there trying to say what you want online. Ignore people who just call you an asshole. If the best they can do is just say it, but they can't even point at specific actions you've done that make you actually an asshole then they're just pricks. Ignore them.

This is also why I won't say Giles is an asshole. I mean sure, the dude is screwing people by offering to help them with their careers when he really can't code for shit. He's hustling the hell out of everyone he possibly can, and I imagine he would be sucking fresh cock on the street if it got him another sawbuck. But, I'm not going to say Giles is actually an asshole. Instead, I'm going to say, this:

Giles Just Codes Like An Asshole

You see, assholes don't care whether other people can read their code. What they love is if you have to struggle to read their pieces of dense idiotic shit. To them, punctuation, style, indentation, spacing, or comments are just not necessary. You have to be able to read it the way they wrote it and fuck you if you can't. They're going to be different whether that helps you or not because goddammit, that's what they fucking want to do and fuck you if you complain.

Here's a good example of Giles being an asshole coder. Notice how there's isn't a single blank line in this little bit of code? Giles actually thinks you don't need them, even in large chunks of code he writes with coworkers. Fuck you, he's Giles, you should just shut the fuck up and read his shit. Notice also there's no fucking comments? That's right, you just "confusion!!" and no explanation.

This is Giles M.O. all the way. Go look at the rest of this project. Magic values embedded right in the source with no explanation of what they do. Hardly any comments. Shitty spacing and formatting. Bizarre ass uses of lambdas and crap scattered all over. Thank god there's not that much of this because holy shit I'd have to shit out my mouth if people actually listened to this blow hard about how to write good software.

This is the code of an asshole, and I only wandered around his marketing failure Arxeopteaeraszxawe for like 2 minutes. I think I bought a Korg kaossilator for 100 bucks that did more than Arxweoocxsaorptis, and my Korg had a manual. An actual manual written in English and best of all, I didn't need the Korg manual because the thing was easy to use.

Another project to check out is ChucK, which does the same thing as Arxeococksuck but with a much more elegant model you can actually understand and use. I could do shit in ChucK that I just couldn't even come close to even figuring out in Arxeaobuttzex.

Another thing that coders who code like assholes do is they skimp on the docs. You go to their project, and there's jack squat for how to actually use the thing. Maybe they got a wiki or some half-assed illiterate blog posts about it, but nothing substantial. No book in one place that can get you started. This is also Giles all the way. Codes like an asshole, and writes docs like an asshole.

Take a look at docs for Arxasaropterisx and wonder at the amazing marketing he's doing. Here's a fucking clue Giles, marketing is lying, but it's also about presentation and optimization. If you want people to use your shit, then fucking write some goddamned docs and put them someplace people can find them. Don't spread out across your blog the way you spread peanut butter on your tiny cock to get your dog to suck you off. Put it one place, the way you shove that huge dildo up your wide ass every night.

Basically, his projects are like the douchebags you find at a shitty NYC bar near midtown. Talk a whole lot, make drunken slurred rants, act like they're the shit, but when you start sniffing around there's nothing there. Sure, his code works fine and does shit, but that's about it. Not user friendly. No consideration of other people's time and effort. No consideration of those who will read it after him. Just this pile of festering self-indulgent crap that mostly works.

What we need now is to stop coding like pricks. Quit writing uber hacker bullshit code with no docs and shit style. Giles here codes like I coded when I was 13 and thought I was smart as shit. Now I try to code compasionately. I write docs so people can use my stuff. I have an actual bug tracker. I add spacing and have a consistent style. I write comments. I try my best to help people out.

I try to code like a nice guy, because I am a nice guy. I may write my rants like an asshole, but usually that's because I'm ranting about shit fucking loser pricks like Giles. Guys who have a few projects under their belt that stink like giant turds roasted on a spit, but when it comes down to it are totally useless.

Not useless by their function, they produce useful stuff. Useless because they code like assholes. Like pricks. Like arrogant pricks so full of industrial autism that they could give a rat's ass about you and whether you can actually use anything they write.

Now that's how you rip into someone. Don't be a cheap ass and post shitty jpegs of twitter drama followed by a few stupid ass comments from one of the dumbest communities on the internet surrounded by completely irrelevant pics. It was funny when cracked.com and not funny when you do it idiot.

Actually write some thoughts of your own you douchebag.