Oppugn.us

Today FedEx came to deliver a package. I'm going out of town soon, so I can't miss this package or it will get sent back while I'm away. Now, you would think that if you are paying some mother fucker to actually hand you a package he would try to do that. You know, I give you $50 and you give me my goddamned package.

Nope, that's not how it works. I have easily 10 communications devices on my computer right now. I can go to google and punch in exact GPS coordinates and zoom in on the top of your fucking head and count your hairs. I can send text messages, twitter, emails, phone calls and even automate all of this. The ease with which FedEx or UPS could tell me that a driver is outside my door, right fucking now, or will be in 10 minutes is staggering.

But now, these stupid companies decided to write their shit in Forth and now they can't use any modern technology to accomplish the one fucking thing I am paying them extra for.

I am not paying them to drive my package into the city and then make me pick it up from a fucking warehouse. I am paying for the box to be on my doorstep with a fucking smile and goddamned signature.

If I shell out $50 the package gets in my hands period. PERIOD No retries, no threats of sending it back, no 10 second attempts with my door buzzer. I get phone calls, text messages, hordes and legions of notification that my package is waiting.

Now this brings up the question. Every time some shitwad lazy ass fuck nut driver pulls this shit and I have to go to the warehouse, where's my fucking refund? I want at least 1/2 of my money back. Fuck you FedEx, you fucking failed. Take it out of the driver's pay check so that little useless union fuck hole can wake up and realize that he's killing your fucking company.

If you wanted to take on FedEx and UPS this is how you would do it. You would realize that people are actually going to the damn warehouse anyway and picking their shit up because these guys can't figure out how to actually deliver something. You could just setup similar warehouses in all the major cities, tell people exactly when the package will be available using modern technology, and then undercut UPS and FedEx to nothing.

People are obviously willing to pick shit up from a warehouse, and shipping between warehouses is cheap as hell. Take the next step and just offer that as your company. Hell I can see the marketing now. Show some fat lazy teamster smoking a cigar make a 2 second attempt to deliver a package and then laugh, throwing it into his truck and breaking it. Then say, "Why pay extra if you have to get it from their warehouse anyway?"

Take it a step further, and rather than setup your website and phone lines so that it's nearly impossible to talk to anyone at the company, make it very easy to get help. Shove the help desk right in the customer's face and using modern technology, not whatever the fuck UPS is using, tell them exactly what's going on. Make them feel great about using your company, like they're getting one over on the man.

Picking shit up from warehouse is what people are paying for anyway. Why not give it to them at the right cost?